Go Fish

So, I recognize that the vast majority of my readership is female (read: only my mom reads my blog), which is why I'm simultaneously apprehensive and inspired to write about this.

I'm writing about a phenomenon that I have observed in my dealing with several women in my life. I would say that it's a communication problem, but that would insinuate that at some point during the aforementioned phenomenon an actual two-sided exchange occurred. Here's the abstract of the situation:

Woman has expectations as to how a situation is supposed to go.

Situation does not meet preconceived expectations.

Woman expresses her disappointment that reality does not fit fantasy, and challenges the man to convince her that her fantasy is indeed intact.

Man is placed in a compromised position, facing the impossible task of convincing a woman of something she refuses to believe, despite his statements to the contrary.

Okay, here's how the situation has actually manifested itself (Note to any woman with whom I've had this or a similar conversation who believes in self-torture enough to be reading this blog still: this is an amalgam of several similar conversations, not a transcript of our particular conflagration):

Girl: "Is everything okay?"
Dallin: "Yep"
Girl: "I knew something was wrong! Why didn't you tell me?"
Dallin: "What?"
Girl: "Tell me that everything is okay between us."
Dallin: "I already did. Everything is okay between us."
Girl: "You're such a liar. Why do you have to be such a liar?"
Dallin: "What?"
Girl: "All I ever asked for from you was honesty."

At this point, I'm screwed. There is no point in trying to talk to someone who has her (or his) mind made up about a situation. So my response is the same: "I refuse to argue with you about this. I've already told you that everything's all right. You will believe what you want to believe." This is usually met with awkward silence. And a quick trip to wherever I picked this girl up.

So, with all that said, I'd like to know about the mechanics of this kind of a technique. What are the intended results? What is the motivation?

Clearly this is a manipulation tool. The person who uses this tactic is looking for an excuse to be the victim. They want to demoralize you through their own autodemoralization. A friend recently commented on this concept when talking about fishing for compliments. She said, "When people are fishing for a compliment, they're going to be hurt if you don't say something nice. But then, they won't believe you if you do, anyway. So, why say something you don't mean? It won't make them feel better anyway."

Exactly. People who do this do not want you to correct their view on the situation; they want to be miserable and to make you feel just as miserable as they are.

What gets me here is the total lack of trust in the assertions contrary to their assumptions. This indicates to me at that point that maybe I was wrong to think that things were going okay. To quote Ben Folds, "It seems to me if you can't trust, you can't be trusted."

Until someone convinces me otherwise, I refuse to engage in conversations that are obviously set up so that there's a winner and a loser. That way, I win.

It's the freakin' weekend, baby... I'm about to go off

Twice this weekend, guys with whom I (and others) had plans cancelled the day of with the following excuse (paraphrased to protect the guilty so-and-sos):

"Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, I am going on a date tonight."

What?

No, seriously.

What???

It's time to go back to the days when we watched Sesame Street and played "One of these things is not like the other."

1: "Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, I just got called into work."
2: "Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, I just got adult onset scoliosis."
3: "Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, my left arm fell off."
4: "Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, I have a date tonight."

If you guessed #4, you're right!

#4 is probably the worst excuse ever made. Why? Because, dates don't just happen. Ask any of the single girls I go to church with, and they will complain about this exact phenomenon. For the uninitiated, here is how dating works:

Guy: (in head, to himself) "Wow, this girl is so hot. I really want to talk to her. Yeah, I can't stand it any longer, I'm totally going to talk to her."

Guy: "Hi"
Girl: "Hi"

(two weeks later)

Guy: (in head, to himself) "Yeah, that was pretty successful, I've totally looked at her a couple of times, and she's totally looked back at me. She must want me. Why else would she look back at me? She will be mine, oh yes... she will be mine."

Guy: "Hi"
Girl: "Hi"
Guy: "I saw you looking at me"
Girl: "You were looking at me first"
Guy: "Oh yeah, but you looked back"
Girl: "I was trying to figure out what you were looking at. I thought I had messed up while putting on my make up."
Guy: "Oh, that's hilarious"
Girl: "I was self-conscious all day"
Guy: "Oh, that's hilarious"
Girl: "Do you know what that even means?"
Guy: "Yeah... can I have your phone #?"
Girl: "Sure... 867-5309"
Guy: "Oh, that's hilarious"

(two weeks later)

Guy: (in his head) "That was pretty successful. She totally gave me her number. It's time for me to do something, or else she won't ever make out with me. But what? This is impossible. I'll ask her out and then figure out what we'll do later... yeah."

(two weeks later)

Guy: (on phone) "Hi"
Girl: "Hi"
Guy: "So, I was thinking that it would be fun to do something"
Girl: "Well, that's nice"
Guy: "I meant, like, for you and me to do something"
Girl: "Oh."
Guy: "So, would you like to do something fun this weekend?"
Girl: "Yeah, but, I'm busy Friday because it's my aunt's funeral. She died from adult onset scoliosis"
Guy: "Oh, that's hilarious"

So, as you can see, dating is a long, drawn out process that requires a great deal of thought and planning.

If you make plans, follow through. If you've been planning to go to an event for a week with your friends and confirm the day before (and in one case trash talk someone who was invited for being a flake, "Yeah right, like he'll come, he always flakes out"), you can't say "I'm gonna hafta cancel, I am going on a date tonight."

All you can really justify saying is:

"Hey, I'm a tool and can't be relied on for anything except to take my chances with the remote possibility of maybe smooching some girl tonight. "

This excuse is almost as lame as one that my friend had in a dream one night. Lars had been trying to ask this girl out on dates for quite some time. In fact, he had been getting dates with her for quite some time. They just never ended up going. She always had some excuse. I was always the fall-back plan after she cancelled. Whenever he would announce that he was going out with this girl, I would ask, "So, what exactly are we doing this weekend?"

One day he comes to me and tells me about a dream where he gets a phone call from this girl telling him "I'm sorry, I can't go out tonight because our home teachers are coming over."

Luckily Lars is a smart boy and never asked her out again after that dream.