2008-08-07

Go Fish

So, I recognize that the vast majority of my readership is female (read: only my mom reads my blog), which is why I'm simultaneously apprehensive and inspired to write about this.

I'm writing about a phenomenon that I have observed in my dealing with several women in my life. I would say that it's a communication problem, but that would insinuate that at some point during the aforementioned phenomenon an actual two-sided exchange occurred. Here's the abstract of the situation:

Woman has expectations as to how a situation is supposed to go.

Situation does not meet preconceived expectations.

Woman expresses her disappointment that reality does not fit fantasy, and challenges the man to convince her that her fantasy is indeed intact.

Man is placed in a compromised position, facing the impossible task of convincing a woman of something she refuses to believe, despite his statements to the contrary.

Okay, here's how the situation has actually manifested itself (Note to any woman with whom I've had this or a similar conversation who believes in self-torture enough to be reading this blog still: this is an amalgam of several similar conversations, not a transcript of our particular conflagration):

Girl: "Is everything okay?"
Dallin: "Yep"
Girl: "I knew something was wrong! Why didn't you tell me?"
Dallin: "What?"
Girl: "Tell me that everything is okay between us."
Dallin: "I already did. Everything is okay between us."
Girl: "You're such a liar. Why do you have to be such a liar?"
Dallin: "What?"
Girl: "All I ever asked for from you was honesty."

At this point, I'm screwed. There is no point in trying to talk to someone who has her (or his) mind made up about a situation. So my response is the same: "I refuse to argue with you about this. I've already told you that everything's all right. You will believe what you want to believe." This is usually met with awkward silence. And a quick trip to wherever I picked this girl up.

So, with all that said, I'd like to know about the mechanics of this kind of a technique. What are the intended results? What is the motivation?

Clearly this is a manipulation tool. The person who uses this tactic is looking for an excuse to be the victim. They want to demoralize you through their own autodemoralization. A friend recently commented on this concept when talking about fishing for compliments. She said, "When people are fishing for a compliment, they're going to be hurt if you don't say something nice. But then, they won't believe you if you do, anyway. So, why say something you don't mean? It won't make them feel better anyway."

Exactly. People who do this do not want you to correct their view on the situation; they want to be miserable and to make you feel just as miserable as they are.

What gets me here is the total lack of trust in the assertions contrary to their assumptions. This indicates to me at that point that maybe I was wrong to think that things were going okay. To quote Ben Folds, "It seems to me if you can't trust, you can't be trusted."

Until someone convinces me otherwise, I refuse to engage in conversations that are obviously set up so that there's a winner and a loser. That way, I win.

2 comments:

Heather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jessica said...

Dallin!!!
How the heck are you... I don't think we ever had that conversation...as a matter of fact I believe we understood each other quite well!!! Remember that one time... or that other time!! love ya!