2007-10-23

Face Value

There's finally proof.

The older I get, the more I believe that Jr. High is a microcosm of society in general.

One of the most important lessons I learned at Red Hills Middle School is that when it comes to leadership, competence and position have almost nothing to do with success. This lesson carried with me through High School and on to college. Charisma counts. Having "the look" counts.

When I took an Organizational Leadership class in grad school, a PhD level Psychology class, we learned that it almost doesn't matter if you have the traits of a good leader. What matters more, according to some studies, is that people believe that you have those traits. (See: Implicit Leadership Theory)

However, I had a hard time reconciling the idea that people were surely smarter than blindly following who they liked and the idea that people were surely dumb enough to blindly follow who they liked.

I mean, certainly it wasn't as simple as people swinging wildly to a Kennedy election in 1960 after seeing both candidates side-by-side. Surely image management is only one facet campaign managers need to manage.

But, today, the belief that I held in the deepest pit of my stomach was confirmed.

USA Today reports on a Princeton University study that "a snap judgment on a candidate's competence with just a quick glance ... accurately predicted election outcomes in about 70% of gubernatorial and U.S. Senate races last year."

Yup, just by quickly looking at pictures of two candidates, people were able to predict senate elections with over 70% accuracy.

No wonder candidates are wishy washy and soft on the issues... that only accounts for 30% of a person's electability.

So, if this is how we have chosen our leaders for the last 50 years, why don't we just have some election reform? This is what I propose:

Gather anyone and everyone who has desire to handle the pressures and criticism and responsibility of being president. I think that will bring in probably around 300,000 people. Then, we'll give them all a shot before Randy, Paula, and Simon. Tryouts will be held at stadiums across the US. Simon will be granted a vote, because, let's be honest, all Anglophones still care about the House of Windsor.

After they go through the initial screening, and we have 10,000 left, Mtv will host a series of weekly elimination rounds. Jenny McCarthy and some other guy (doesn't matter who, I mean, who can concentrate with Jenny on stage?) will host them. There will be plenty of superficial categories (who needs to know about gun control or abortion when a good question about Britney or Paris will do?) that will weed the candidates down to a pool of 4 reds and 4 blues.

The primaries will be greatly simplified. A myspace page will be created for each candidate where fans can log on and post adoring or critical comments. The presidential pretenders will also be allowed to blog and to link to their favorite you tube videos. Based on the number of friends each candidate has added during the primaries, the final two will be chosen.

At this point, I think the old system should still work... after all, it's what is outlined in the constitution. Parties, primaries, all that other shiz that people want you to think is your right and is beneficial to the system (and is part of the system)? Made up. Yeah, it's all made up. You wanna know why you don't have the right to vote in a democratic primary if you're a registered republican? Because it's the way the party chooses the candidate it's going to endorse. I think I will tear my radio out of the car if I hear one more caller on a talk radio program complain about not being afforded the "right" to vote in all primaries.

And the electoral college? I love it. The federal government is a government set up as an association of the states. The states elect the president, you don't. Get over it.

Finally, for all the candidates, why campaign if all people need to see is your face? Hire a professional Hollywood head shot photographer. I have seen all kinds of pictures on singles websites that look like the hot older sister of the girl I just picked up. When I ask our mutual friends why she doesn't look like she did in the picture, I get the response, "Oh, that's cause it's a head shot." What amazing technology! They can make anyone look hot! No wonder that kid that played the catcher in the Sandlot has an acting career.

Look out for Young/Blackburn 2012. I'm hiring Tony Little as my trainer, Carmindy as my make-up artist, and Ansel Adams' ghost as my photographer (he made Georgia O'Keeffe look good).

2007-10-12

Non Sequitur

So, I logged on to CNN.com today, to get my daily (monthly) news fix.

I casually glanced to see today's "Most Viewed" stories - and I lost faith in mankind. Here is the list:

1. Mom accused of buying boy's rifle
2. Writer suspect of dismembering... (sic) (and sick...)
3. Gore, IPCC share Nobel Peace Prize
4. Turkey 'accepts invasion fallout'
5. Drew Carey engaged
6. Snoop Dogg to pick up trash
7. Study charts global abortion trend
8. Putin warns US in missile talks

Okay, do I even need to go on?

Let's start with the fact that #5 is more popular than #8.

Maybe it's because we've all seen too many Tom Clancy movies and have become desensitized, maybe it's because we don't take Russia seriously anymore, and maybe it's because we've all seen this commercial and couldn't believe that this guy is not only taking over the single most popular game show of all time (sorry, Jeopardy, but, more people know that rice-a-roni costs $1.49 a package than know that Putin is the president of Russia) but actually found someone to marry him.

Don't get me wrong. I have love for Drew Carey for 3 reasons: (a) his stand-up comedy before he made it big was hilarious, (b) we're both chunky jocular funny guys, and (c) we're in the same fraternity.

But, I think that it's probably a bigger deal that Russia is threatening us during missle talks than some fat guy getting married to a cook (even though she's probably hot.) That's not newsworthy, that's macroeconomics - supply and demand.

The next item up for bid...

I may do an entire post on this concept, but, I'll leave it at this: Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. This is proof that Europeans hate Americans.

Where to next?

Snoop Dogg picks up trash for carrying illegal firearms, while a mother's name is dragged through the trash for purchasing them for her son. I think there is a link here. Mom is probably a huge fan of Death Row records and was influenced by Cordozar Calvin Broadus Jr. (who goes through life named Cordozar and thinks that it's a legacy that he should pass on to his son?) I think that the punishment for both the mom and the Dogg is that they should have to marry each other.

What else is disturbing is that someone actually stated that Mr. Broadus, Jr. is "glad to make a contribution to Orange County." referring to his punishment of picking up trash. I don't think anyone can consider anything done as restitution or the result of censure a "contribution."

I think I'll go steal a car, and then when I give it back, I'll write off the full value of the car as a "contribution" to Washington County.

This doesn't surprize me, however... the concept of "newsworthy" is necessarily a market-driven one. The culture that drives the market, however, is shaped by conscious choices portrayed by the higher classes (see any Cultural Anthro 101 textbook). People will argue that Mtv is showing programs that are abhorrent because that's what people want to watch... that might be half true. However, Mtv and other mass entertainment conglomerates are also creating and spreading norms with their programming.

This leads me to some tangential thoughts:

When will our society realize that the pushing of "hip hop culture" is just contemporary Amos and Andy?

Is Eminem the Al Jolson of our day?

Also, what's the deal with the current fascination with white trash?

2007-10-04

When Hairy met Silly

I just got back from a 4 day Carnival cruise. I highly recommend this kind of vacation.

While on this cruise ship, I was walking up with a friend or two onto the main deck where most of the people in our group were laying out, talking, or enjoying the live music. Just as I get onto the deck, the announcer guy comes on and declares the hairy chest competition about to begin.

Now, here's some disclosure - I know I probably seem pretty darn sexy to everyone, but, beneath the clothes I am more than just moderately hairy. So, I look at a couple of my friends, and I say, "Should I go win this?" and take off my shirt. As I am walking up to the stage, the announcer guy starts laughing and says, "Oh my gosh, here comes Chewbacca"

They get 7 of us up there on stage for this contest. And they got this girl/woman to be the judge. I guess if you're willing to have hairy men come dance all up on you and to run your fingers through chest hair, you have to be a particularly "easy going" kind of a girl. I think this describes her, particularly the "easy" part.

So, each contestant had to give her a lap dance. She then eliminated contestants. Yeah, I said lap dance... and I did lap dance.

Scandalous.

Then, we each had to show off our best breakdancing moves. I did the robot, the wave, and yes, you guessed it.... a backspin. (with no shirt on).

She then narrowed it down to two contestants, and we were both from St. George. The final test was that she got to come rub her hands through the chest hair. Yes, miss thang came and she ran her hands through my chest hair.

Again, scandalous.

Once she was done with that, she was supposed to make her choice for the winner. At which point she demanded a dance off. The announcer was only too happy to oblige... with YMCA. When it comes to disco, the other guy stood no chance. When I was little, I used to dance to the BeeGees and insisted that people call me "Dal Travolta."

At that point, she had to make a decision. She had a little cruise ship trophy to give to the second place contestant... and a bathrobe for the winner.

I have to tell you, that bathrobe is so comfy.

Although, I don't know if it makes up for the amount of self dignity I had to give up to win. And, if it wasn't enough - the cruise ship kept running replays of it on the TVs the whole rest of the time we were on the cruise.

Yikes.

The last night we were there, this security guard comes walking by. Mind you, at this point I'm wearing pants and a sweatshirt. He turns, smiles, and says, "Hairy man" in a thick Phillipindonexicanese accent.