Face Value

There's finally proof.

The older I get, the more I believe that Jr. High is a microcosm of society in general.

One of the most important lessons I learned at Red Hills Middle School is that when it comes to leadership, competence and position have almost nothing to do with success. This lesson carried with me through High School and on to college. Charisma counts. Having "the look" counts.

When I took an Organizational Leadership class in grad school, a PhD level Psychology class, we learned that it almost doesn't matter if you have the traits of a good leader. What matters more, according to some studies, is that people believe that you have those traits. (See: Implicit Leadership Theory)

However, I had a hard time reconciling the idea that people were surely smarter than blindly following who they liked and the idea that people were surely dumb enough to blindly follow who they liked.

I mean, certainly it wasn't as simple as people swinging wildly to a Kennedy election in 1960 after seeing both candidates side-by-side. Surely image management is only one facet campaign managers need to manage.

But, today, the belief that I held in the deepest pit of my stomach was confirmed.

USA Today reports on a Princeton University study that "a snap judgment on a candidate's competence with just a quick glance ... accurately predicted election outcomes in about 70% of gubernatorial and U.S. Senate races last year."

Yup, just by quickly looking at pictures of two candidates, people were able to predict senate elections with over 70% accuracy.

No wonder candidates are wishy washy and soft on the issues... that only accounts for 30% of a person's electability.

So, if this is how we have chosen our leaders for the last 50 years, why don't we just have some election reform? This is what I propose:

Gather anyone and everyone who has desire to handle the pressures and criticism and responsibility of being president. I think that will bring in probably around 300,000 people. Then, we'll give them all a shot before Randy, Paula, and Simon. Tryouts will be held at stadiums across the US. Simon will be granted a vote, because, let's be honest, all Anglophones still care about the House of Windsor.

After they go through the initial screening, and we have 10,000 left, Mtv will host a series of weekly elimination rounds. Jenny McCarthy and some other guy (doesn't matter who, I mean, who can concentrate with Jenny on stage?) will host them. There will be plenty of superficial categories (who needs to know about gun control or abortion when a good question about Britney or Paris will do?) that will weed the candidates down to a pool of 4 reds and 4 blues.

The primaries will be greatly simplified. A myspace page will be created for each candidate where fans can log on and post adoring or critical comments. The presidential pretenders will also be allowed to blog and to link to their favorite you tube videos. Based on the number of friends each candidate has added during the primaries, the final two will be chosen.

At this point, I think the old system should still work... after all, it's what is outlined in the constitution. Parties, primaries, all that other shiz that people want you to think is your right and is beneficial to the system (and is part of the system)? Made up. Yeah, it's all made up. You wanna know why you don't have the right to vote in a democratic primary if you're a registered republican? Because it's the way the party chooses the candidate it's going to endorse. I think I will tear my radio out of the car if I hear one more caller on a talk radio program complain about not being afforded the "right" to vote in all primaries.

And the electoral college? I love it. The federal government is a government set up as an association of the states. The states elect the president, you don't. Get over it.

Finally, for all the candidates, why campaign if all people need to see is your face? Hire a professional Hollywood head shot photographer. I have seen all kinds of pictures on singles websites that look like the hot older sister of the girl I just picked up. When I ask our mutual friends why she doesn't look like she did in the picture, I get the response, "Oh, that's cause it's a head shot." What amazing technology! They can make anyone look hot! No wonder that kid that played the catcher in the Sandlot has an acting career.

Look out for Young/Blackburn 2012. I'm hiring Tony Little as my trainer, Carmindy as my make-up artist, and Ansel Adams' ghost as my photographer (he made Georgia O'Keeffe look good).