Junk Bonds

Yeah, I'm sure that if you did a search for articles with that title in reference to Major League Baseball's newly-anointed home run king, you would find dozens, possibly hundreds.

Now, I'm just going to throw this out there to give this article context and to save you all the trouble of thinking it as my bias. I don't like Barry Bonds anymore. In the early 90s - when he was the National League MVP in '90, '92, and '93 he was an all-hustle, grit it out kind of a player (in '96, he was only the second person in history to ever hit 40 home runs and steal 40 bases in the same season). I liked that kind of play.

Something changed.

I had the opportunity to sit in left field at Pac Bell Park during a game between San Francisco and Oakland in 2004. A ball was hit over Barry's head, he turned to make the play, stumbled and fell into a roll. The ball had since rolled to the fence. The centerfielder ran over and made the play while Barry sat there on the ground, making no effort to get back up until the centerfielder who made the play came and gave him a hand up. Every at bat that he hit anything, he didn't hustle down the baseline, he did nothing more than a jog. At that moment, I realized that I did not like the way Barry Bonds was playing baseball.

Now, in the days since the home run record, the ball has been auctioned and purchased. This is where the story gets fun. Barry is upset with what is being done with the ball. No... Barry is upset with the guy who bought the ball for 3/4 of a million dollars. He claims that he doesn't care that the ball might be marked with an asterisk, or that the ball might be jettisoned into space. He does, if he didn't, he wouldn't think it was so stupid. If Marc Ecko paid that much money for the ball and did nothing other than donate it to the Hall of Fame, Barry would have had nothing to say about the matter. But, Barry realizes that what is being done with the ball is a commentary on him, which should be no surprize to anyone.

My mom told me growing up that the bullies like to pick on kids that give them a reaction, so, when you get picked on, don't give a reaction. Barry Bonds is upset because the bullies of popular opinion are finally flexing their collective muscle. It has to tear him up inside that people are potentially more excited with what will be done with the ball than the breaking of the record itself.

Face it, you can't argue with the facts, he has hit more home runs in the major leagues than anyone. But, it doesn't mean that people have to like him. Ty Cobb was an arrogant jerk, but was probably the best to ever play the game. Babe Ruth was also arrogant, but knew how to play the game of winning people over.

My prediction: The ball will be emblazoned with an asterisk. Barry's right... that number (756) stands. But, it will stand forever with either a symbolic or a very literal asterisk.

And to Barry, that is the biggest sucker punch his tormentors can throw.

If the sports memorabilia fits....

Here we go again.

In my previous post, I mentioned OJ. After giving this some thought, I really believe that OJ was trained by the government to kill and thus has no control over his actions.

Why would the government do this? What did OJ stand to gain? Perhaps his skill at defeating linebackers (which are a nefarious bunch of well-known criminals, at both the pro and college level) and his natural athleticism and competitive nature.

I found documentation that he was employed in the late 1980s as an expert in helping identify and take down well-known Mexican drug dealers with a penchant for soft corinthian leather. Here is an exclusive clip of OJ showcasing his rare skill at counter espionage (please note his command of the Italian language).

He is a highly trained government weapon that was let go during the Clinton administration's cuts to military. He had no other choice than to do what he was trained to do.

I am shocked that no one has put these pieces together before.

I have done some research on Wikipedia, reliable, believable research about some other crimes I'm sure OJ Simpson is guilty of:

Jon Benet Ramsay
Chandra Levy
Weapons of Mass Destruction
Walker, Texas Ranger

If the tragedy of being a victim of circumstance isn't enough for Orenthal James Simpson, the most heartbreaking part of this story is that we will not get to hear from Johnnie Cochran this time around. He introduced the world to three famous legal forms of defense (clearly his subversive way of effectively executing much needed tort reform):

1. "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit"
2. The "Chewbacca Defense"
3. "Lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous"

Maybe this time around, OJ can pull off the ironic coup and hire Marcia Clark to represent him.

Finally, let's compare mugshots from the 1994 arrest and the 2007 arrest:

1994:
"Oh, crap, I just got caught. I'm too pretty for prison. Who was that guy that saved Jacko from going after he touched that little boy?"

2007:
"Don't you know who I am? I'm the guy who touched all those little boys... I mean, I'm that famous Simpson.

... no, that's Bart. I'm famous for kill... ing UCLA when I wore #32 for the Trojans."

Random Musings

I think that faun in "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" was creepy. I wanted Lucy to run away yelling "Stranger Danger!"

Why do I think Hitler humor is so funny?

Or Philosopher humor? PS - Beckenbauer is not a philosopher.

When is OJ going to get it? We know he did it. Especially when he comes out with a book called "If I did It", that pretty much gives it away. Between that and this latest Las Vegas stunt , it just goes to show you how emboldened he has gotten. OJ has got to think he is above the law.

It's the freakin' weekend, baby... I'm about to go off

Twice this weekend, guys with whom I (and others) had plans cancelled the day of with the following excuse (paraphrased to protect the guilty so-and-sos):

"Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, I am going on a date tonight."

What?

No, seriously.

What???

It's time to go back to the days when we watched Sesame Street and played "One of these things is not like the other."

1: "Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, I just got called into work."
2: "Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, I just got adult onset scoliosis."
3: "Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, my left arm fell off."
4: "Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, I have a date tonight."

If you guessed #4, you're right!

#4 is probably the worst excuse ever made. Why? Because, dates don't just happen. Ask any of the single girls I go to church with, and they will complain about this exact phenomenon. For the uninitiated, here is how dating works:

Guy: (in head, to himself) "Wow, this girl is so hot. I really want to talk to her. Yeah, I can't stand it any longer, I'm totally going to talk to her."

Guy: "Hi"
Girl: "Hi"

(two weeks later)

Guy: (in head, to himself) "Yeah, that was pretty successful, I've totally looked at her a couple of times, and she's totally looked back at me. She must want me. Why else would she look back at me? She will be mine, oh yes... she will be mine."

Guy: "Hi"
Girl: "Hi"
Guy: "I saw you looking at me"
Girl: "You were looking at me first"
Guy: "Oh yeah, but you looked back"
Girl: "I was trying to figure out what you were looking at. I thought I had messed up while putting on my make up."
Guy: "Oh, that's hilarious"
Girl: "I was self-conscious all day"
Guy: "Oh, that's hilarious"
Girl: "Do you know what that even means?"
Guy: "Yeah... can I have your phone #?"
Girl: "Sure... 867-5309"
Guy: "Oh, that's hilarious"

(two weeks later)

Guy: (in his head) "That was pretty successful. She totally gave me her number. It's time for me to do something, or else she won't ever make out with me. But what? This is impossible. I'll ask her out and then figure out what we'll do later... yeah."

(two weeks later)

Guy: (on phone) "Hi"
Girl: "Hi"
Guy: "So, I was thinking that it would be fun to do something"
Girl: "Well, that's nice"
Guy: "I meant, like, for you and me to do something"
Girl: "Oh."
Guy: "So, would you like to do something fun this weekend?"
Girl: "Yeah, but, I'm busy Friday because it's my aunt's funeral. She died from adult onset scoliosis"
Guy: "Oh, that's hilarious"

So, as you can see, dating is a long, drawn out process that requires a great deal of thought and planning.

If you make plans, follow through. If you've been planning to go to an event for a week with your friends and confirm the day before (and in one case trash talk someone who was invited for being a flake, "Yeah right, like he'll come, he always flakes out"), you can't say "I'm gonna hafta cancel, I am going on a date tonight."

All you can really justify saying is:

"Hey, I'm a tool and can't be relied on for anything except to take my chances with the remote possibility of maybe smooching some girl tonight. "

This excuse is almost as lame as one that my friend had in a dream one night. Lars had been trying to ask this girl out on dates for quite some time. In fact, he had been getting dates with her for quite some time. They just never ended up going. She always had some excuse. I was always the fall-back plan after she cancelled. Whenever he would announce that he was going out with this girl, I would ask, "So, what exactly are we doing this weekend?"

One day he comes to me and tells me about a dream where he gets a phone call from this girl telling him "I'm sorry, I can't go out tonight because our home teachers are coming over."

Luckily Lars is a smart boy and never asked her out again after that dream.

Regulate... Jeffs Funk Era

While driving home the other night, I decided to take an alternate route that led me past the Washington County Courthouse here in St. George. I was leery as I turned down the street because of the barricades and what my friend Eric Melniczek would categorize as a "Heavy Police Presence" (apparently two police officers on bicycles at 2 am in downtown Blacksburg, VA constitutes a heavy police presence).

When the cavalcade of TV station transmitter trucks came into view, it became clear that this was the media circus surrounding the Warren Jeffs trial. After receiving a dirty look from the police officer and almost running over some TV station automatons talking animatedly into their Blackberries while trying to cross the street, the following list popped into my mind:

1. Warren was named to the FBI's ten most wanted fugitives list. Do you know who else is on this list? Yeah. Osama bin Laden. The same guy that we all think of as the epitome of elusive evil.

2. Supposedly this guy is wanted for several things, most notedly accomplice to rape (marrying a 14 year old girl to a 19 year old man) and ulawful flight to avoid prosecution.

3. Any given night at the Washington City Wal*Mart you can go "Polyg Spotting." My brother claims that you can't walk past the fabric section without noticing at least one member of the FLDS community. As a side note - maybe it's because they've undergone some recent remodeling and reorganizing of the store, but I was there earlier this week and did not see one FLDS family.

4. I grew up in central Utah, probably 2.5 hours from St. George. I always knew about Colorado City, that it was down here somewhere. But, it never occurred to me that Colorado City and Hilldale were actually part of the St. George community. I expected these places to be very insular, which they are, with their own economies and no connection to the mainstream world. That's not the case. The members of these towns are very much a part of our community.

So, why is it that Jeffs is such a target? Look at the other guys on the current FBI Most Wanted Fugitive List. Most of them are wanted for murder, drugs, aggravated sexual abuse, ...September 11...

This is the gap I can't seem to fill:

It's common knowledge that there is a sect of people performing all kinds of illegal marriages, including marriages to young girls. This has been going on as long as I can remember. A system like this is a system of oppression, which means that there must be oppressive leadership. Why Jeffs, why now? Why, after 100 years of letting this become a way of life are they going after the leader? And, why, when he fled, did he join the ranks of these notorious and nefarious criminals?

I spoke to a member of the Utah Attorney General's office earlier this week, and in our conversation she described an "implicit acceptance" because of an agency's lack of action in a matter, despite that agency's threats and communications that clearly state anything but acceptance. How much of what goes on, and has been going on, in this community falls under that same concept? How much "implicit acceptance" has UT, AZ, and the US given?

If we have ignored this, it still does not excuse anyone from violating the law. But, it certainly does bring up the contradiction - why do we silently accept their way of life and then, when their leader is brought up on charges, do we all want to know how swiftly and harshly justice will be served?

Maybe it's because members of the LDS church struggle to reconcile their polygamous past with contemporary rumor and conjecture about this practice. Maybe it's because society at large doesn't deal well with the machine. Maybe it's just schadenfreude, plain and simple.

And Betty when you call me...

Commentary on my first two posts:

Why on earth did Al Gore appear in my first two... now three messages?

There can only be one explanation: He is sending subliminal messages during College Football games and on the Food Network.

There is no other explanation.

No, there is one more. I'm on the internet a lot at work. In fact, I'm on the internet right now. Here I thought the world wide web and electronic mail were convenient information sharing utilities. Now I realize that it is just a subtle tool free from regulations designed to send out subliminal messages cleverly crafted to get me to think about Al Gore all day. After all, he did invent it.

It's an inconvenient truth.

Which is worse: Individual mind control or global destruction?



This much I know, future posts will feature a minimum of 30% post-consumer free range antibiotic, BALCO, and Al Gore mind control free content.

Great Expectations

I find myself teetering on apathy regarding the upcoming election.

I have been very interested in these things as far back as I can possibly remember. When I was 8, the Reagan/Mondale race was in full swing. I remember being aware of the facts enough that Ferraro was his running mate, and being socially aware enough to recognize the importance that she was, in fact, a she.

During a recent conversation with a friend, we were musing about the presidential race that has burgeoned over the past months. I shared that I was not sold on any candidate, he replied that he wasn't either. None of the candidates were "strong enough" for him, and after some discussion this concept of "strength" had less to do with position and platform, but what the candidate would do once he or she was elected. A "strong candidate" would actually say what they were going to do and were going to do what they said.

Another conversation I had with another friend, prior to this one, left me with a statement of "It can't just be about the sound bite, can it?" I thought for a second, and I replied that it had to be.

If the people who are being paid to know the science of election are carefully tailoring sound bites, you tube videos, and are concerned with image management, then that should tell us about how the electorate responds. (Certainly this generation of voters is not going to elect William Howard Taft.) Winning an election has become less about convincing people you have the skills it takes to lead a country, and more about giving people what they want to hear.

This does not mean that a candidate actually has to care about his or her platform. The idea is to adopt a stance that is harmonious with the party's usual whipping posts, and then come up with a message that is so innocuous that all anyone can remember is a few taglines, or how much they "like" you. Really... it's all about like anymore. Ask anyone the following question and see how they respond: "What do you think about this upcoming election?" If the word 'like' doesn't come up in the first paragraph, I'll buy you a coke.

That's what lost Al Gore both the electoral college and the poll of popular opinion. The guy actually has a stance. The guy actually fights for what he thinks is right. He's a little zealous about it, but, boy does he follow through.

What does this tell us about what we want? Clearly we don't want "strong candidates." The message we send loud and clear is that we want someone who is really good at playing the game, and we can't be bothered with what they'll do after they're elected ... until after they're elected. And then we care. So, if we don't care, then why should the candidates be concerned with it? If it doesn't help you win, it's just in the way.

When a candidate stops caring about the platform, I stop caring about the candidate. In fact, I'm going to stop caring about anything anyone says during this election. Well, that's not true. I am going to listen, but, I'm going to listen between the soundbites. I am going to to probably vote for a conservative option, because that suits my political philosophy best. Besides, what a candidate is going to do isn't based on how they campaign.

Notwithstanding, I realize that the informed vote is grossly underrepresented when compared to the vote that is swayed by the information age. So, under duress, I'll throw my vote to the ideological wolves and let the masses continue to chug down the political equivalent of a VH1 "Flava of Love" marathon.

Hello World

I suppose it's time to share with the world. In kindergarten I was taught to share with the other children. I have become predisposed to believe this is a metaphor for life.

Thus, in an effort to be simultaneously self-serving and others-oriented, I am starting this blog. I will be making an effort to share many personal, religious, social, and professional effigies I would like to burn.

This will not be the first foray into sharing bits and pieces of myself on the internet super information Al Gore memorial highway. Chances are it will only be marginally more effective and longer-lasting.

So, sit back and enjoy.