If the sports memorabilia fits....

Here we go again.

In my previous post, I mentioned OJ. After giving this some thought, I really believe that OJ was trained by the government to kill and thus has no control over his actions.

Why would the government do this? What did OJ stand to gain? Perhaps his skill at defeating linebackers (which are a nefarious bunch of well-known criminals, at both the pro and college level) and his natural athleticism and competitive nature.

I found documentation that he was employed in the late 1980s as an expert in helping identify and take down well-known Mexican drug dealers with a penchant for soft corinthian leather. Here is an exclusive clip of OJ showcasing his rare skill at counter espionage (please note his command of the Italian language).

He is a highly trained government weapon that was let go during the Clinton administration's cuts to military. He had no other choice than to do what he was trained to do.

I am shocked that no one has put these pieces together before.

I have done some research on Wikipedia, reliable, believable research about some other crimes I'm sure OJ Simpson is guilty of:

Jon Benet Ramsay
Chandra Levy
Weapons of Mass Destruction
Walker, Texas Ranger

If the tragedy of being a victim of circumstance isn't enough for Orenthal James Simpson, the most heartbreaking part of this story is that we will not get to hear from Johnnie Cochran this time around. He introduced the world to three famous legal forms of defense (clearly his subversive way of effectively executing much needed tort reform):

1. "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit"
2. The "Chewbacca Defense"
3. "Lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous"

Maybe this time around, OJ can pull off the ironic coup and hire Marcia Clark to represent him.

Finally, let's compare mugshots from the 1994 arrest and the 2007 arrest:

1994:
"Oh, crap, I just got caught. I'm too pretty for prison. Who was that guy that saved Jacko from going after he touched that little boy?"

2007:
"Don't you know who I am? I'm the guy who touched all those little boys... I mean, I'm that famous Simpson.

... no, that's Bart. I'm famous for kill... ing UCLA when I wore #32 for the Trojans."