It's the freakin' weekend, baby... I'm about to go off

Twice this weekend, guys with whom I (and others) had plans cancelled the day of with the following excuse (paraphrased to protect the guilty so-and-sos):

"Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, I am going on a date tonight."

What?

No, seriously.

What???

It's time to go back to the days when we watched Sesame Street and played "One of these things is not like the other."

1: "Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, I just got called into work."
2: "Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, I just got adult onset scoliosis."
3: "Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, my left arm fell off."
4: "Hey, I'm gonna hafta cancel, I have a date tonight."

If you guessed #4, you're right!

#4 is probably the worst excuse ever made. Why? Because, dates don't just happen. Ask any of the single girls I go to church with, and they will complain about this exact phenomenon. For the uninitiated, here is how dating works:

Guy: (in head, to himself) "Wow, this girl is so hot. I really want to talk to her. Yeah, I can't stand it any longer, I'm totally going to talk to her."

Guy: "Hi"
Girl: "Hi"

(two weeks later)

Guy: (in head, to himself) "Yeah, that was pretty successful, I've totally looked at her a couple of times, and she's totally looked back at me. She must want me. Why else would she look back at me? She will be mine, oh yes... she will be mine."

Guy: "Hi"
Girl: "Hi"
Guy: "I saw you looking at me"
Girl: "You were looking at me first"
Guy: "Oh yeah, but you looked back"
Girl: "I was trying to figure out what you were looking at. I thought I had messed up while putting on my make up."
Guy: "Oh, that's hilarious"
Girl: "I was self-conscious all day"
Guy: "Oh, that's hilarious"
Girl: "Do you know what that even means?"
Guy: "Yeah... can I have your phone #?"
Girl: "Sure... 867-5309"
Guy: "Oh, that's hilarious"

(two weeks later)

Guy: (in his head) "That was pretty successful. She totally gave me her number. It's time for me to do something, or else she won't ever make out with me. But what? This is impossible. I'll ask her out and then figure out what we'll do later... yeah."

(two weeks later)

Guy: (on phone) "Hi"
Girl: "Hi"
Guy: "So, I was thinking that it would be fun to do something"
Girl: "Well, that's nice"
Guy: "I meant, like, for you and me to do something"
Girl: "Oh."
Guy: "So, would you like to do something fun this weekend?"
Girl: "Yeah, but, I'm busy Friday because it's my aunt's funeral. She died from adult onset scoliosis"
Guy: "Oh, that's hilarious"

So, as you can see, dating is a long, drawn out process that requires a great deal of thought and planning.

If you make plans, follow through. If you've been planning to go to an event for a week with your friends and confirm the day before (and in one case trash talk someone who was invited for being a flake, "Yeah right, like he'll come, he always flakes out"), you can't say "I'm gonna hafta cancel, I am going on a date tonight."

All you can really justify saying is:

"Hey, I'm a tool and can't be relied on for anything except to take my chances with the remote possibility of maybe smooching some girl tonight. "

This excuse is almost as lame as one that my friend had in a dream one night. Lars had been trying to ask this girl out on dates for quite some time. In fact, he had been getting dates with her for quite some time. They just never ended up going. She always had some excuse. I was always the fall-back plan after she cancelled. Whenever he would announce that he was going out with this girl, I would ask, "So, what exactly are we doing this weekend?"

One day he comes to me and tells me about a dream where he gets a phone call from this girl telling him "I'm sorry, I can't go out tonight because our home teachers are coming over."

Luckily Lars is a smart boy and never asked her out again after that dream.