Hairy Kiri

I want to talk about one of the cruelest torture devices known to man: waxing.

I meant "man" in that previous sentence, not mankind. While this procedure is probably most often used by women, it is clearly a torture device when deployed against men.

Let me tell you about my experience.

I went on another cruise. It was amazing. However, before going on the cruise, I did not want a reprise of my successful competition in the hairy chest contest. Luckily, a young woman from church offered to wax me on a pro-bono basis, provided I paid for the supplies.

This seemed to me a welcome boon, as many of the salons were charging in excess of $100 for an equivalent service.

I will get to the details of the waxing in a moment. But, permit me to skip ahead to the reaction I received from female friends.

When I shared the fact that I had just gotten my upper torso waxed, without fail, I heard the same responses (in order of appearance):

1 - Laughing
2 - "Now you know what we go through."
3 - "Did you bleed?"
4 - "Make sure you use sunscreen."
5 - "Are you going to keep it up?"

After hearing this standard response, it became clear that this was indeed torture. The first clue was the concept of retribution. Women tend to go to extreme measures in the name of beauty. In many cases, I am thankful as a heterosexual male for their efforts. In other cases, I am not aware of these efforts as they are in one way or another invisible to me.

However, retribution here is not tit-for-tat... er... rather... let's say quid pro quo.

Allow me to illustrate:

Exhibit A - Man Hair



Exhibit B - Woman Hair

After my waxing experience, I learned that there are two general levels of pain associated with mass hair removal: "That really @#$%&*ing hurts" and momentary cardiac arrest. These levels have a statistical correlation (p <0.05) with area of the body and the amount of hair. In women, the amount of hair and location correspond to "this pain makes me want to kick a puppy" while for men like me (and the guy in the picture who suddenly makes me feel better about my situation) the hair is everywhere. The area that hurt the worst? My sternum. Imagine having all the hair on the top of your head ripped out simultaneously. That's what it felt like. Another reason the two aren't comparable, is that most women (I won't say 'no woman' - ew...) don't get anything waxed that takes two and a half hours to complete. Yes, it took the entire running of Star Wars III to complete my upper-body epilation. I can honestly say that that was the second most excruciating 150 minutes of my life. The first required extensive surgery and a week's stay in a hospital.

As for the question of whether I bled? I didn't get to see my back, but as I watched the front, it looked like a lawn aerator from lawn aerator from Lilliput had just run all over me.

Interestingly, without fail, each of the women I talked to about this reiterated the warning: "Be sure to use sunscreen." Oh, I'm sorry, are you referring to that big shiny thing in the sky? That will burn you?!?!? For those of you who don't know, the top of my head is as bare as a newborn baby's butt. Ironically, I tried to get sun on my newly smoothed skin - and I couldn't get a tan, let alone a burn.

I think this was due to extensive skin damage. For the first two days, whenever I would get anything that resembles a cold chill, my entire body winced in pain. If I got excited about something, my chest would tingle - and not in the happy good way. And the acne/ingrown hairs - my back must have looked like the face of the average teenage male fry cook at Zaxby's.

Will I undergo this torture again? Really, before I did it, I had no idea it would be so excruciating and claimed that if my wife wanted me to, I would be happy to do so. Now, I'm rethinking that assertion. If my (future, yet to be named) wife insists that I go through with that kind of torture for her pleasure, the pleasure that I receive in reciprocation must match.

You know, tit for tat.